Funny Stuff

I got an e-mail this morning, and it contained this:

"1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking
places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do
drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
front.

4. Only in America......do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands
of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to
screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'
.
10. Only in America......do they
have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on
mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the
headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long
word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why is it that to stop Windows
98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who
invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with
the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting,
who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that
stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

------------------
In case you needed further proof
that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my
hair).

On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be
how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh,
a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not
iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those
forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(Oh now that's a shocker. )

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (what else are
you supposed to use it for?)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines
packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe,
uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I
don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've
smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to
someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words,
send it to everyone."

I thought it was funny, so I'm doing what it suggested and sharing it with people (namely, you guys).

the only in america one was fucking

Wow. I'm surprised the parkway and driveway one wasn't on there.

I can put it up there if you'll send it to me.

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Oh my god



This is hilarious! Warning: Do not attempt to stop the chain with hands or genitals...

the last few about labels are old as hell...

I remember them from back when I lived in Wyoming >.>


still good though

Stalker for hire. $10 a head, if you let me rape them, it's free. If it's a guy, I pay you.

Epic win capn.

lol, seen most of them but they're still funny

Here's a video I found.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avHyvn9pZp4&feature=related
Let the hilarity ensue.

They do that in NZ

lol @ vid

funny

lol!