28 Days Late

7

‘You must always investigate strange
noises. No Exceptions.'

There were two reasons Jeff was squirming uncomfortably on the moor: the first was a pesky piece of briar that had discreetly logged itself between his cheeks; and the second was the need to conceal a rather unwieldy erection which persistence was verging on legendary. Even the gorgeous Miss Mayes had not instilled him with such vigour. Surely this was true love the likes of which no man had ever known. Sadly, the complications of perusing happiness without standing were not lost on Jeff; and in the mean time he simply hunkered down and contemplated less arousing figures.

jjjj ‘So just who are you?’ asked his love. ‘And what are you doing all the way out here?’

jjjj Jeff adopted his finest Sunday smile. ‘Jeff Capell. I’m a heroic kind of guy with a talent for kicking ass, saving the day and getting the girl. I was on my way over here to do an interview with the Civilians’ Guide author. Shame that helicopter showed up when it did. If I’d been armed I’d have really shown them… And just who might you be?’

jjjj ‘I’m Anna of Project 24… This is Rob.’

jjjj The creature splurged delightedly at its mention. Jeff decided against becoming friendly.

jjjj ‘Project 24?’ he asked instead.

jjjj ‘The project that created both the Super Zombies and the ones to stop them.’

jjjj ‘I knew it!’ shouted Jeff, leaping excitedly to his feet (a mistake he quickly rectified). ‘Err… so yeah? Created ey? That must have been quite exciting.’

jjjj ‘Hardly,’ Anna said scornfully. ‘I don’t know who I am. All I know is that my “father” is dead and apparently so is my next lead.’

jjjj ‘And who’s that?’

jjjj ‘Same as yours… I’m guessing the helicopter was sent over there to snuff him out.’

jjjj ‘Actually, he buggered off before it got there,’ said Jeff.

jjjj ‘So you found him! What did he say?’

jjjj The two swapped stories in the grand old fashion of camping: over a roaring fire and some bubbling soup. Rob pranced happily in the background, munching on rabbits after launching a corrosive jet of acid in their general direction. Much merriment was shared upon the moors, despite the dark nature of the tales; and by the time they were finished the sun had long set on the hillside, ushering in an Arctic chill.

jjjj The skins of all your favourite childhood animals towered skywards like a sadistic totem, Rob purring happily at the top. Any thoughts of using these as a blanket had been quickly extinguished once Jeff learned of the thing’s deadly poison.

jjjj ‘If it’s so poisonous, how could you hold him on the bike?’ Jeff had asked. Anna merely shot her pet a daggered gaze; Rob smiled sheepishly. It was from that moment on that Jeff became significantly less comfortable around the creature.

jjjj When it was decided that sacks should be hit, Jeff had confidently set in his mind that she was the one. The first story had somehow swindled him out of the lewd and gratuitous sex scene that the main character is practically entitled to, and for a month afterwards he had been up in arms as to why. It seemed to Jeff that throwing a person through hordes of undead, having their home destroyed, and worst of all, forcing them to pass only briefly through the pub should warrant at least an implicative sentence or two – maybe even a saucy prelude! But by the time these words had come to pass, he and Anna were already curled together and roaming the land of nod.




Jeff woke grumpily the next morning: not only had the breath before his face made the rude decision of billowing from his mouth like a frosted spectre, but there was nothing at hand which even suggested the passing of a raunchy night. Only nearby, in a distasteful heap of furs, Rob parted company with a deeply shamed rabbit – tiny cigarette tipped from the corner of his mouth to complete the image.

jjjj The creature shrugged at Jeff’s accusative looks. ‘What can I say? I’m easy… Plus I think it might die soon…’

jjjj Jeff regarded his sleeping beauty with affection. Black stands of hair fell peacefully across her face, shifting in the cold wind. Her skin possessed the vanquished hue of a vampire. And though her eyes were currently closed, two irises gleamed with an extraordinary vibrant green. It was impossible to see her as a killer, but the incident on the motorbike was difficult to forget.

jjjj Suddenly her eyes flickered open, a tiny smile spread across her lips which she then used to plant the lover’s kiss on Jeff. ‘Fuck yeah,’ he thought, subtly flashing Rob the most boastful of Vs.

jjjj ‘So what’s the plan?’ she asked.

jjjj ‘Well we could always spend the day performing yet more acts of sexual gymnastics the likes of which would scar the land forever.’

jjjj ‘More? I thought we decided to wait until this was all over?’ Jeff cursed loudly in his mind. The smugness of the hamster was not lost on him.

jjjj ‘Well in that case,’ he declared, drawing a declarative finger, ‘I’m going back to the BBC! I have to tell Mr Bower what happened.’

jjjj ‘But you can’t go back. We know that broadcasting stations are being targeted by the Super Zombies. Maybe the BBC is the next target!’

jjjj Jeff shrugged and placed a sodden trilby about his head. ‘What can I say? I’m a heroic kind of guy with a talent for saving the day, kicking ass and getting the girl.’ ‘But you haven’t done any of those things!’

jjjj ‘I know…’ said Jeff with a frown. ‘I just wish everyone would stop pointing it out. Who knows? Maybe I’d have a better chance if I leapt into the action. I’ve dealt with Super Zombies before.’

jjjj ‘What about black helicopters?’ asked Rob.

jjjj ‘Well why don’t you two come with me? I’m sure you can handle them again. Besides, I’d quite like a lift if it’s all the same to you.’

jjjj Anna looked at Rob. Rob did pretty much the same. They shared a knowing look, the kind of look that can only be shared between a leather clad vixen and her genetically twisted companion. It wasn’t long before they came to a decision.

jjjj ‘Alright. We’ll help you.’

jjjj ‘Fantastic,’ said Jeff, rubbing his hands together enthusiastically. ‘Any chance of a lewd and gratuitous sex scene before we’re off?’




Jeff dashed down a familiar corridor of BBC Liverpool having parted the company of his leather-bound accomplice. Sad to say, the corridor in question had become no more interesting since the reporter last charged down the hall, though valiant attempts had been made. Jeff elbowed his way past grand statues, lavish paintings and extravagant vegetation. He proceeded without hesitation to the room he so desperately sought. No, it was not the office of Mr Bower, but the dressing room of his friend and ally, Doomsday Dan.

jjjj ‘Jeff!?’ the newsreader exclaimed upon the clattering open of his door. ‘What are you doing here?’

jjjj ‘We’ve got to get out of here! The Super Zombies might attack any minute! Or worse… them!’

jjjj ‘What are you talking about, Jeff? Who’s they?’

jjjj ‘Them,’ corrected Jeff. ‘The one’s in the black helicopters! They’re the ones behind the Super Zombies. I went to see the Civilians’ Guide author… he said that it had been edited to make everyone stay put instead of escape. On top of that they’ve been systematically eliminating broadcasting stations! This one could be next!’ Dan looked unconvinced. ‘Besides, I’ve got a girl outside,’ he grinned mightily, shifting the vertices of Dan’s eyebrows a good few inches. ‘She’s wearing skin-tight leather…’

jjjj A multitude of conflicting emotion flashed across the newsreader’s face. In the end however, Dan could not help but be stirred by that most basic and wonderful of human emotions.

jjjj ‘Alright!’ he announced heroically. ‘I’ll go with you! If only for the sake of our long and well appreciated friendship.’

jjjj Jeff grinned the grin of champions. ‘All right!’ said he. ‘Let’s go! If only for the sake of our long and well appreciated friendship. But first I have to warn Mr Bower.’

jjjj ‘What’s that?’

jjjj ‘You don’t think we’d leave without warning the station, do you?’

jjjj ‘But… but what about the impending danger?’

jjjj ‘Come now, Dan. You know as well as I do that I’m a heroic kind of guy and all that. You surely don’t think I could get the girl without first kicking ass and saving the day, do you?’

jjjj ‘Well then I’m drawing a line,’ said Dan, doing just that with his finger. ‘There is no way that I’m letting my good buddy risk life and limb while I selfishly retreat. I’ll tell Mr Bower. You return to your gal.’

jjjj Jeff studied the beardy man with suspicion. ‘You’re trying to get the girl yourself!’ he cried at last. ‘Well I will allow no such thing.’

jjjj ‘Not a chance, buddy’ replied Dan, with a guilty look in his eye. ‘I’m only thinking of our long and valued friendship.’

jjjj ‘Bollocks,’ replied Jeff, making a start at the door.

jjjj There was a short clicking sound, the kind that’s usually followed with a slow pan to the barrel of a gun and the smirking face of villainy – only this time, that particular face had a stretch of facial hair arcing along the ridge. Jeff stared into the barrel of the gun.

jjjj ‘Yeah right,’ he said, rolling his eyes as he slipped through the door.

jjjj ‘Damn it,’ cursed Dan, tucking away the Model .29 Smith & Wesson and flaring up a cigarette.

jjjj Jeff rushed once again through the corridor, taking no notice of the elegant chandelier that was being installed at this very instant. The door of Mr Bower’s office stormed up before him, then collapsed open as he forced his way through.

jjjj ‘Mr Bower!’ cried he. ‘We’re all in serious trouble.’

jjjj Mr Bower, who had been in the process of applying a Turkish cigar to his mouth, looked upon Jeff in a way that would suggest he had been expecting him all along.

jjjj ‘Jeff?’ he said. ‘What are you doing in my office? I wasn’t expecting you at all.’ Karl or Murray grinned menacingly at the new arrival, but Mr Bower dismissed him with a wave of the hand.

jjjj ‘I think the Super Zombies are going to strike here next. They’ve been targeting a number of broadcasting stations and this is the only one left in the area.’

jjjj ‘Oh, I see,’ said the Director, adopting a worried frown. ‘And do you have any proof of this?’

jjjj ‘Only from patterns, sir. Zombies have been infiltrating and posing as humans. Then when the horde arrives they attack from the inside. Also, somebody seems to be orchestrating the whole thing – the same person who created the zombies and the ones to stop them, as well as the people who sent a helicopter to kill me. They might have even edited the Civilians’ Guide!’

jjjj ‘Stop the Super Zombies, did you say? Hmm… sounds interesting. So how might someone go about that?’

jjjj ‘We’re not sure,’ explained Jeff. ‘We only know that a number of them are scattered across the country and none of them know who they are.’

jjjj ‘Sounds exciting. Perhaps you should go and film that.’

jjjj Jeff stood uncomfortably. ‘I think you’re missing the point… We have to leave. Now.’

jjjj ‘No, Mr Capell. I think it you who is missing the point.’ He snapped his fingers. ‘Murray!’

jjjj ‘Karl.’

jjjj ‘Just bloody seize him!’

jjjj Jeff made a dash for the exit, but was anticipated and scooped up in a pair of burley arms. Karl hoisted Jeff from the ground, squeezing him with the deathly grip of a misunderstood bear, effectively cutting off any and all means of escape.

jjjj ‘Mr Bower!?’ Jeff squeezed between a broken windpipe. ‘It was you?’

jjjj ‘You idiot. It never occurred to you to suspect the Chairman? Have you been following these stories at all?’

jjjj ‘Well… I would have assumed that another bad-guy in the role of chairman would severely limit the moral alignment of any and all future chair-people,’ argued Jeff.

jjjj ‘Then I’m sure the next one will have to be extra careful.’

jjjj ‘This is even worse than the zombie twist in the last one…’ he sighed.

jjjj ‘Oh no, Mr Capell. Not this time.’ The Director made with the headshaking. ‘For I have a scheme so grandiose and cunning that even the wiliest of onlookers could not discover the depth of it.’

jjjj Jeff swung in silence. The Director glared at him expectantly.

jjjj ‘I’m stumped,’ he admitted.

jjjj ‘I expected more of you, Capell. I really did.’

jjjj ‘So… are you going to tell me?’

jjjj ‘I would prefer not to.’

jjjj ‘Oh… So what comes next?’

jjjj ‘Take him away!’

jjjj ‘Oh right… Bollocks.’

8

‘Regardless of circumstance, it is imperative
that you taunt a fallen opponent.'

Jeff steadily lifted himself from the floor, pondering the merits of observing his current whereabouts. It was a prison, that much was certain; but it was usually this point in films where such places are utilized in a way Jeff thought it best not to mention. At any rate he might be able to buy himself some time. Though duty bound as a narrator to continue the progression of the plot, he had always felt a certain camaraderie between himself and the author, despite the storyteller’s omission of certain much sought after acts.

jjjj So his crossed his legs and sat on his bum and stared forward after the fashion of the noble Buddhist monks, hoping if anything to leave the narrative unstirred until the time of his bold escape.

jjjj Minutes later a heavy steel door of a certain thickness and modulated by something not entirely unlike fission swung open and brought light to the darkened room. Here was a damning cell. Dark, dank and arguably dingy, the place was bare but for the spattering of blood and the inevitable chair and table combo set up in the centre of the room. It was onto one of these chairs that Jeff was hefted by a grinning Karl, Murray having pursued the bouncer line of work several chapters earlier.

jjjj An interrogative light swung towards the bound captive, causing his pupils to retreat like cockroaches beneath a fridge. From somewhere amongst the glaring whiteness came a putrid halitosis associated with men of the hench variety, followed shortly by a low gravely tone.

jjjj ‘Well hello, sunshine,’ said a menacing voice. Jeff remained uninterested. ‘Now just what do you think you’re doing here?’

jjjj ‘I actually work here,’ said Jeff, flashing his ID. ‘Jeff Capell: reporter, protagonist, day saving talents and all that. In fact, if you let me go I think I might be able to find a story so dripping in action that even your largest sponge couldn’t contain it. And we both know the BBC’s policy on giant sponges, right?’

jjjj The light shifted skyward, revealing a barrel-armed man scratching his head with bulking fingers.

jjjj ‘So they didn’t tell you?’ Jeff said, shocked. ‘Well I guess the privileges of the henchmen have been dropping recently. No wonder Murray went off to become a bouncer. I’m surprised you’ve even got a name!’

jjjj Karl slammed two hammer-like fists onto the table, leaving a duo of splintering wooden cracks to think about what they had done. The message wasn’t lost on Jeff. ‘Oh there are some privileges that make it worthwhile,’ Karl hulked.

jjjj ‘Oof!’ said Jeff, which he had done before, but never at this level. This was an oof that left blood streaming out of a number of unlucky orifices – the fewer named the better.

jjjj ‘Don’t you think you’d be better off not adhering to a two-dimensional stereotype?’ said Jeff. ‘I mean look at Phil! He’s got a role in the next Harry Potter novel.’ The hammer of Thor descended mightily upon his most favourite of organs. That the wheezing instrument was nothing more than a play on words came as little consolation to Jeff: it had been his grandfather’s.

jjjj ‘There is no bloody next Harry Potter book…’ Karl growled above a weeping Jeff.

jjjj ‘Bloody hell… When am I going to be rescued?’

jjjj ‘Face it, buddy,’ menaced Karl. ‘Ain’t nothing gonna save you now…’




Not too far outside, something fast and red that Jeff would have been relived to find was a motorbike was speeding towards the BBC station. Jake, who was just your typical sleepy guard on the nine to five, stretched in his chair and sipped a much cherished cup of Joe, completely oblivious of what was racing towards him.

jjjj Jake was a veteran of his post, but sadly lacking in any martial arts or rudimentary firearm proficiency that would make the coming scene exciting. What he did posses was an uncanny ability to identify good from bad – who to let into the compound and who should take a hike. Some people said this amazing gift stemmed from the procedural demand for identification; but there was something special about old Jake. He wielded the plastic arm lifting button that stretched from his post as St Peter guarded the gates of the Eternal Kingdom. None were certain what he would do if ever a zombie approached, but most had an inclination that the whole sorry affair would result in tragedy. Fortunately, through luck or skill, this day had not yet come – but something of greater challenge was quickly heading his way.

jjjj The 500cc engine hovered gracefully across the crumbled rock. The engine roared loudly into the atmosphere, attracting all manner of ghoulish creatures to the source. The pilot was one of incredible skill and beauty, and about her shoulders clung a scaly-hamster who had received a sudden and unwelcome introduction to the world of G-Forces.

jjjj ‘Why are we going so fast?’ cried Rob between fluttering lips.

jjjj ‘We have to get back to Jeff,’ she explained within her helmet. ‘We have to make sure he’s ok.’

jjjj ‘Then why scout the area first?’

jjjj ‘I had to pay a visit to some old friends,’ she grinned.

jjjj The BBC compound roared up ahead of them; or it least it looked that way, because it was actually they who roared up on it. Jake sat nervously in his tiny office, awaiting the approach of the fast red thing that was heading most definitely his way. It was usually this point in films where the motorbike would plough into the security-building and the heroine would be launched spectacularly onto the roof or something. It didn’t really seem fair come to think about it; but before the wizened agent of security could hitch up his kecks and leg it, the leather-clad wastelander had already arrived at his booth.

jjjj ‘Would you mind letting us through, please?’ smiled a woman of gorgeous aspect.

jjjj ‘Have you got an ID?’ Jake asked sweetly.

jjjj ‘Err, sorry, I don’t actually. I was hoping to surprise a friend,’ she beamed in response.

jjjj ‘Ah hah!’ thought he. ‘Now is my time to shine and prove my attributes as one of day saving talents, ass-kickery and all that malarkey. Here I shall make my stand! Here the name of Jack Hamlin will be known for years to come!’

jjjj ‘I’m sorry, dear. No ID means I can’t let you through. If you like I could call someone upstairs.’

jjjj Suddenly the bike tipped in precisely the way he hoped it wouldn’t – vehicle and driver disappearing beneath the menacingly lowered gate. Jake grasped frantically at controls in an attempt to stop the fiend, but being unacquainted for the most part, the rotary-turrets of skin shredding aptitude remained tucked in their chambers.

jjjj Several hundred meters away, the sprinklers for the BBC vegetable garden flickered into life. Saddest of all however, the arm blocking the road raised invitingly. Jack stared after the escaping intruder.

jjjj ‘Bollocks,’ thought he.




Karl set down the cordless-drill and FiloFax with a demented grin on his face. Jeff squirmed under the excruciation of a number of holes and pinches. He had received a greater battering than all the chip-shop dinners in Glasgow. The light swung once again into his bloody eyes.

jjjj ‘What are you doing here?’

jjjj ‘I don’t even know why you’re doing this! You know I don’t have any information!’

jjjj ‘What do you know!?’ shouted Karl, delivering a slap lead by four rocky knuckles.

jjjj ‘I know you’re just stalling for time before Anna busts me out of here!’ cried Jeff.

jjjj The light once again ducked shyly to the table. ‘You what?’ asked the hulking tormentor.

jjjj ‘Anna… she’ll be here any minute to kick your ass and set me free.’

jjjj ‘Hmm… the boss didn’t say anything about her.’

jjjj ‘Well I can imagine why,’ replied Jeff. ‘You’ll most likely be killed with some brutal one liner.’

jjjj A look of genuine concern spread across the He-Man’s mug. ‘Well sod this then,’ he whimpered. ‘I’ll see you at the climactic finale!’

jjjj ‘Lay off the damn forth wall!’ Jeff shouted after him as the door swung shut. ‘Eugh… well this is brilliant.’

jjjj A lonely ten minutes passed in which Jeff recited all he could of his playground songs. It was a dull passage, filled with many tedious descriptions of how the dust rolled along the floor like solitary tumbleweed, or how the light shimmered guilty as though it were dolefully apologising for all it had witnessed. Still, it was preferable to torture.

jjjj Suddenly, or possibly eventually, the burst open, as most of those steel-aluminium fusion-modulated ones usually end up doing. And framed magnificently within it was none other than Project Anna and her scaly sidekick.

jjjj ‘Fiiiinaly,’ Jeff rolled his eyes. ‘Let’s get out of here.’

jjjj ‘Sounds good to me,’ smiled Anna. ‘But first, we have to take care of one last thing…’




A shadow fell across the floor of Mr Bower’s office. It was one of those long, brooding characters that hangs about in churchyards and smokes behind the bins. It brought with it some distant sense of entropy that let you know everything was coming to a final and climactic end.

jjjj None of this was lost upon those pacing within, who lurked with the same guilt and paranoia that one usually associates with an ill-played game of Cluedo. Candlesticks loomed menacingly on the wall, cutting eerie patterns through the gloom. A revolver lay nestled in the holster of Doomsday Dan. And of course, an obligatory spanner had joined the works; though this utensil existed only in the metaphysical realm, and is not to be confused with the more solid collection of ominous looking bits and bobs.

jjjj A nervous looking Mr Bower paced the floor: saying nothing, but muttering at intervals. Dan went along with this hush, simply gazing into the face of treachery. In his hands he clutched a ribbon bearing the words ‘Best Costume in Show’. This meagre trinket had been the price of his soul. He would never get a part in Harry Potter like this.

jjjj ‘You did the right thing, telling us he was on his way to see Creeks,’ said Mr Bower between laps.

jjjj ‘But at what cost?’ asked the newsreader dolefully, lighting up a choice Lambert & Butler that drifted gloomily about the office.

jjjj ‘Now now, you got your reward, didn’t you? No need to go gallivanting about performing heroic feats and getting the girl.’

jjjj ‘No… I’ve played my part. But what’s going to happen to Jeff?’

jjjj ‘Oh… I don’t know. I’ll probably whip him in a glass of milk or something equally diabolic. It’ll make for great viewing. Imagine it: two lovers bound together above a vat of surging liquid innuendo, being slowly lowered as the tension mounts and they struggle in vain to escape.

jjjj ‘Of course they’ll have to make it out alive. I’d have it no other way. Maybe you could release them or something – change of heart. But alas! Just as freedom is beyond the door, Jeff is savaged by that one… fatal… bite… It will be heralded as the next Shakespeare. Audiences all over will weep for their hero and cheer for Anna, now on a mission to contain the super zombies and avenge her lost love.’

jjjj ‘Don’t you think you’re forgetting something…?’

jjjj ‘Oh yes? And what’s that?’

jjjj At precisely that moment, and in true Hollywood style, the door burst from its hinges to reveal a quivering, barrel-shaped man. There was no mistaking that hulking figure now that Murray had set off for greener pastures, but even so, bafflement lit the face of Mr Bower.

jjjj ‘Karl!? What the hell are you doing here?’

jjjj ‘It’s Murray…. Wait, no.… I mean… The prisoner told me there was a heroic escape where I’ll be dispatched by a witty one liner. I never signed up for that. I want to review my contract.’

jjjj Mr Bower stared into his failure of a drone with utter contempt. ‘That all happens later!’ he barked. ‘Besides, that’s Murray’s bit! Now get back to that room before you ruin everything!’

jjjj But as anyone who had ventured outside in the last year knew, ruin was already running the show. And in its humble opinion it was time for a bold entrance, stage left.

jjjj ‘Not so fast!’ said a heroic kind of voice, with a talent for saving the day and getting the girl that stood next to him.

jjjj ‘Capell! What on earth are you doing out of your cell!?’ said a positively reddening Mr Bower. ‘Get back in there so I can lower you into milk this instant! This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen at all! Does even one of you idiots have the slightest grasp of narrative construct!?’

jjjj ‘What is it with you people and the damn forth wall!?’ pouted Jeff. ‘Now we all know this isn’t going to make the edit, and this is the one chapter I’d rather not re-sit if it’s all the same to you.’

jjjj Mr Bower cast a cackling face upon his nemesis. Perhaps he could salvage this mess after all.

jjjj ‘You don’t have a clue, do you?’ he smirked. ‘You have no idea what all of this is about… why you’re here, what I’m doing, who your precious “lover” is.’

jjjj Jeff’s face dropped as though he’d just seen a reporter. Suddenly it all made sense… The super zombies… The films… The remakes… The edit of the Guide… Everything had fallen into place like some demented jigsaw puzzle.

jjjj Jeff set two widening eyes upon his employer.

jjjj ‘My God… How could you? What have you done?’

9

‘Project 24 is so jam packed with action, drama and
suspense that it can only safely be viewed wearing
diapers!'

‘Ey? What’s this?’ said Rob, positively bouncing on his partner’s shoulders. ‘He looked like he was about to say something important there.’

jjjj ‘Quiet,’ whispered Anna. ‘He was waiting for the next bit to start. You’ve gone and ruined it now.’

jjjj Rob splurged apologetically. Or at least as apologetically as a furry-frog can manage. ‘Sorry…’ he whimpered. ‘As you were.’

jjjj Jeff took the floor once again. He mused back and forth along the carpet with a ponderous hand set across the jowls and a curious smirk on his face. The now famous trilby sat in a fashion suggestive of the notorious detective Perre Bertrand, whose name had come under much scrutiny once his colleagues made the astounding discovery that in all ninety-one of his cases it was none other than his ex-wife sitting in the guilty seat every time. A bit of a coincidence if you ask me.

jjjj Nineteenth century juries had been wholly convinced by the affair; so it wasn’t until one fateful day in a Parisian ghetto that the man was finally found out and brought to justice - coincidentally at the hand of his ex-girlfriend Sally, if you can believe such a thing.

jjjjJeff on the other hand, had much greater conviction in his accusations - more along the lines of an Englishman much renowned for astute observation and intellectual prowess. However, as the investigative journalist was lacking in the Deerstalker department, such a comparison could not be drawn from hats alone.

‘Ratings…’ Jeff mused, more to himself than anybody. ‘That’s all it’s ever been about. Ever since day one yjjjjou wanted action and tension and excitement. Without TV licenses, the BBC didn’t have a hope in hell. What’s more, stations like Old Trafford Radio and the one in Lancaster were able to release footage of their own exciting endeavours.

jjjj ‘You never did like competition. Not when you had a reputation to keep. So this is where you decide to “get rid” of them. The zombies weren’t going to work. Everyone in Hollywood knows that zombies are terrible at assaults – but not if they pulled their fingers out! Oh no!’ He shot a look at Mr Bower, who merely sat and grinned smugly to himself.

jjjj ‘So that’s just what you did… You genetically engineered a zombie consciousness in order to take down the competition! And not only that… but you would then steal their footage and sell it as your own!’ Jeff helped himself to a flask labelled Holy Water and took a great swig. It had certainly made torture a lot more bearable, but now he was starting to get a pinch of the detectives’ double-vision. ‘And that’s why the Civilians’ Guide was edited… because if everyone left the country then you’d have no audience! Aha!

jjjj ‘But how…’ he mused. ‘How to stop the super zombies once the competition was devoured!?’ He swung an accusative finger in the direction of Project Anna. ‘Aha!’ cried he. ‘Project 24… What a neat little way to wrap up the show and save your own skin from a rampaging horde of super ghouls! Aha! Aha! And a final, veritable, undeniable AHHHH… HAA!’ he shouted, perhaps getting a wee bit carried away with theatrics.

jjjj Mr Bower wasn’t moved by the inebriate’s drunken ramblings. Oh no. Not one bit. He merely sat, fingers poised in a diabolical lattice with a thin smile spread across his face and a look that said, ‘I’m bad. And I rather enjoy it.’

jjjj Jeff also went unstirred by his nemesis’s resistance, but perhaps this had more to do with the constant slugs of whiskey than anything else.

jjjj ‘So what do you say to that!? he demanded of the chairman.

jjjj Mr Bower grinned and drew himself from his seat, slowly rising to fill the backdrop of an ashen world. And as he grew in feet and inches, a terrible darkness spread across his being until he became nothing but shadow. It was all very dramatic, depending on your opinion of silhouettes.

jjjj ‘Well,’ he uttered calmly. ‘This is what I have to say on the subject...’

jjjj ‘Good evening! Good evening! Tonight is a very special broadcast – brought to you live from the gardens of BBC Liverpool!’

jjjj ‘What an odd rebuttal,’ said Rob.

jjjj ‘Shh…’ said Anna. ‘Just listen.’

jjjj ‘Tonight, we, Jethro and Molam, will take you, the clamouring undead, on a journey you will never forget!’ roared two illusive voices that any leather bound vixen would know were coming from a surround sound system she had planted only tens of minutes before. ‘We come to you to announce the first open tour of the BBC building! Please help yourself to any brains that you may come across and feel free to shamble as long as you like!’

jjjj Anna looked at Rob. Rob did very much the same, only sadder.

jjjj ‘Come on,’ she told her rodent companion. ‘Time for phase two.’

jjjj ‘Aww… can’t I stay. I want to hear what the director thinks.’

jjjj Anna looked doubtful. ‘Well, alright. Just don’t touch anyone!’ And with that she left the door to swing perplexedly on its hinges.

jjjj All of this was a mystery to Jeff, who suddenly found himself outnumbered just a touch. Being confronted by a gun and two barrel-like arms whilst aided by nothing more than a hamster of dubious moral origin and a quickly emptying flask was a new experience for him – not something he’d put money on.

jjjj ‘Err… are you sure we’ll be ok?’ he asked Rob.

jjjj ‘Oh I’m sure we will. Anna said you’re a heroic guy and all that. You are, aren’t you?’ Jeff looked doubtful. This instilled the hamster with no confidence whatsoever.

jjjj ‘Er, Dan,’ Jeff asked, rather politely he thought. ‘Would you mind swapping sides at all?’

jjjj ‘Maybe in a bit.’

jjjj ‘Ok, good. So you were saying, Mr Bower?’

jjjj Mr Bower grinned and drew himself from his seat, slowly rising to fill the backdrop of an ashen world. And as he grew in feet and inches, a terrible darkness spread across his being until he became nothing but shadow. It must be said something of the effect was lost second time around.

jjjj ‘I am supposed to say that you have disappointed me, Mr Capell. But astonishingly, this is not the case. Sure, you may have missed the nail completely and ended up bashing an unfortunate cat on the head; but for anybody to guess the sheer depth and perplexity of my plan would be nothing short of a miracle. So instead, I think I’ll have to compromise and make fun of your theory.’

jjjj ‘Well that hardly seems fair…’

jjjj Mr Bower would have none of it. ‘First of all… if the super zombies were just an elaborate quest for ratings, then why do you think Mr Creeks informed you that none of this was real?’

jjjj ‘How do you know what Creeks said?’

jjjj The chairman grinned. ‘Nice trilby, by the way…’

jjjj Jeff gasped, utterly disgusted with the narrow-brimmed bonnet; but still unable to part company no matter what ill-deeds it had performed against him.

jjjj ‘Do you remember the story of your own run in with the super zombies? Hugo and Suzie? Old Trafford? Don’t you think it’s odd that the helicopter turned out to be in a super zombie’s employ?’

jjjj ‘No, because it was actually in yours.’

jjjj ‘Very well… Why do you think Doomsday Dan had a gun?’

jjjj ‘Well…’ struggled Jeff. ‘Because he’s an American.’

jjjj ‘Then why didn’t he use it straight away?’

jjjj ‘Well… well…’ Jeff muttered, pulling straws from the air and searching the face of treachery.

jjjj ‘Er, I’ve had a change of heart!’ announced the face in question. ‘I’m off to repent by helping Anna do whatever it is she’s doing. Bye,’ he said, quickly rushing through the doors.

jjjj ‘Because none of this is real…’ grinned the chairman.




Atop the roof of BBC Liverpool, the skies were quietly chatting their disproval through a bout of rather clichéd pathetic fallacy. A storm was brewing, both above and below. Black surging clouds billowed across the sky, tossing lightning at intervals just to prove a point. Amongst the veggies in the garden, a crowd of moaners had massed against the wall and were having limited success assaulting the building – heavens knows they could do a good job if only they pulled their fingers out.

jjjj There was one other figure amongst the chaos. Hers was black and leather and shimmered in the flashing sky. She went about a work quite unknown to the likes of roofs, who are more accustomed to tarring and retiling and things of that tedious nature. In fact, I think I can state with confidence that no roof in the history of the world has been the platform on which somebody shifts sloshing barrels of genetically modified milk. But then again, that would be rather assumptive of me – and you know what they say about assumption: it makes an ass out of U and I. Or something.

jjjj When Doomsday Dan emerged at the same place, he too arrived at this conclusion, but suddenly recalled a section of the Civilians’ Guide titled, ‘Shifting Genetically Engineered Super Milk During a Storm Created by Pathetic Fallacy. At the time he had simply skimmed over the section as a given, but on second thought it did seem oddly specific.

jjjj ‘Shifting milk, ey?’ he enquired of Anna, taking a quick peak at the clamorous lot below. ‘Need a hand?’

jjjj ‘That’s ok,’ smiled Anna. ‘I’ve just about got it now. How’s Jeff doing?’

jjjj ‘Alright. Sobering up from the looks of it. He’s just at the bit where he finds out none of this is real.’

jjjj ‘I thought we already knew that.’

jjjj ‘We did, but he’s just about to find out why.’

jjjj ‘Oh, that’s good,’ smiled Anna, hefting the last of the barrels to its rightful place at the lip. ‘So what made you come up here?’

jjjj ‘Change of heart. It seemed about the right time. You can’t kick ass, save the day and win the girl on the side of the baddy.’

jjjj ‘That’s true,’ she nodded. ‘Ok, we should probably start pushing the barrels over now.’

jjjj Dan observed the horde below with just a hint of scepticism. There were well over a thousand. ‘And you’re sure you’ve thought this through?’

jjjj ‘I hope so,’ smiled Anna, toppling the first.

jjjj ‘Right…’ sighed Dan. ‘Let’s Rock n’ Roll, as they say,’ he said, as they do.

Back in the office everybody was far too busy with dramatic revelations to notice the torrent of non-Newtonian ooze glooping past the window. Jeff for one had made the decision to play this entire scene on his knees – which stemmed partly from dramatic effect, and partly from the fact that standing had given him an undesirable case of the wobblies.

jjjj ‘So… none of this is real?’ he stammered. You’d think he’d have cottoned on by now.

jjjj ‘None of this…’ explained Mr Bower. ‘Not you, or I, or even Murray.’ Karl kept quiet about this last one. ‘As Jethro said in scene four, “All the world’s a stage.” And we, merely players. You see, it was no coincidence that those you interviewed had their epic stories on film. They were all following a script, even if they didn’t know it.’

jjjj ‘But how? Hypnosis? Brainwashing? Diabolical ray beams!?’

jjjj ‘Much much simpler… Have you ever read the Civilians’ Guide?’ Mr Bower withdrew his own tattered copy from the desk and began to read aloud. ‘Ahem… Should you be attempting to escape a super zombie looking for information, but are also being pursued by a horde of regular zombies, stand your ground and attempt to fruitlessly reload.

jjjj Exception: If there is no regular horde, simply attempt to fend of the attacker with biscuits until the ghoul notices you have a cricket bat. Should motives align, partnership is obligatory.

jjjj ‘Sound familiar?’

jjjj ‘Oh…’ said Jeff. It wasn’t the oh you’d have expected either. It was the kind of oh you’d make if you’d just discovered the cake hadn’t defrosted yet. ‘So it was about ratings… just without getting rid of the competition.’

jjjj ‘What?’ said Mr Bower. ‘You’re not impressed? We subliminally trained each and every member of the population for heavens sake! What if I told you that this, here… you and I, was the biggest show of all!?’

jjjj ‘Well I’d sort of guessed that much. It’s not really a stretch from what I said though. In fact, I’d have said mine was a little more diabolical, considering the layered motives,’ said Jeff. Rob oozed in agreement.

jjjj A panicked look flashed momentarily across the chairman’s face. This wasn’t great television! There was supposed to be drama and excitement for God’s sake! Oh well… Stick to the script and it would pull back.

jjjj ‘More diabolic than the planned destruction of your entire country?’ he grinned an evil grin. That should do it.

jjjj ‘What now?’

jjjj ‘Here we go!’ beamed Rob.

jjjj ‘Project 24… a new reality show on Fox. We took the British Isles, unleashed a deadly zombie virus, and filmed the fun. It’s the latest hit! Everyone’s loving the newest series about Jeff Capell discovering the diabolical truth. Go on… smile for the camera.’

jjjj Jeff did no such thing. Instead he ground his teeth, set his eyes to laser spewing intensity and fixed them squarely on the one responsible for this whole mess.

jjjj ‘You!’ he cried. ‘How could you do this!? How could you do such a terrible thing to the British public?’ Jeff wrung his hands, anger momentarily overwhelming words. ‘You turned the BBC over to Fox!?’

jjjj Chairman Bower smiled once again, giving the odd impression he’d probably be a nice guy once you got to know him, and said: ‘Do you know how many people live in the UK?’

jjjj ‘Four thousand!’ answered Rob, quickly.

jjjj ‘Before the incident it was nearer to seventy million. But In the states alone there are something like three-hundred million. Not to mention the rest of the world. It was simply a numbers game.’

jjjj ‘Numbers game!? Why I’ll show you a numbers game…’ said Jeff, getting all squared up and ready for the heroic ass kicking he had been so sorely awaiting. Unfortunately, he was beaten to the punch by a rather more muscular fellow who happened to look a lot like a barrel.

jjjj Rob leapt to his friend’s aid, snarling at the two trunk-like shins and quickly learning what it meant to be a football.

jjjj ‘Ah,’ said Jeff, gingerly nursing his spleen. ‘I forgot you were here.’

jjjj ‘Ah indeed,’ said Mr Bower. ‘Now how did this end again?’ His face lit upon revelation. ‘Oh yes… something about a lost love.’

jjjj Karl scooped the blubbering hero from the floor and hoisted him towards the window.

jjjj ‘If anyone in Britain finds out about this…’

jjjj ‘Oh, I don’t think they will…’ sneered the chairman, quite wrongly in fact, because this statement was immediately followed up with:

jjjj ‘Er… boss?’

jjjj Karl had just taken notice of the window – you know, that one covered top to tail in genetically engineered milk. But there was something besides rotting dairy that would make this a sorry sight for any BBC employee – and that was their very own logo staring at them from the side of a dirty great helicopter.

jjjj ‘Phil!’ cried Jeff, still cradled in the He-man’s arms.

jjjj ‘Nice trilby, by the way!’ called the pilot. ‘We picked up everything! As for footage…’ he gestured to the camera in Anna’s hands.

jjjj ‘Hey there!’ said a long forgotten voice in its signature tone. ‘This is Doomsday Dan coming to you live from outside the BBC chairman’s office. And boy do we have a story for you!’

jjjj ‘Damn! Damn, damn, damn!’ shouted Mr Bower, who favoured a more potent phrase, but such lexical hiccups were unthinkable on the BBC. He turned to his hulking henchman. ‘Snap him like a twig!’

jjjj Karl eyed the sorry specimen cradled in his arms. Although reducing a crippled man to a mere fraction of himself struck no moral chord with Karl, he now had a CV to maintain – and you don’t get work by snapping protagonists during the last act. No sir-ee.

jjjj ‘Sod this…’ he said. ‘I’m off to the pub.’

jjjj ‘Come on, Jeff!’ cried Anna. ‘The super zombies will arrive any second!’

jjjj‘But… but I still haven’t kicked ass and saved the day!’

jjjj ‘Maybe another time,’ said Rob, hopping into a leather lap.

jjjj ‘Well at least you get the girl,’ beamed Anna, who offered a smile so loving, warm and compassionate that it could only mean she was lying.

jjjj Then all of a sudden Mr Bower was the only one left in the office, which is a shame really because you’d think he‘d have been the first to bugger off. But instead he just sat all cross armed and pouty like a child whose evil schemes had inevitably been foiled. And any future schemes that might have been brewing inside that diabolical old nog’ seemed be lacking in ingenuity – either that or they were so ingenuitous that they bore an uncanny resemblance to nothing whatsoever.

jjjj Now this wouldn’t do for a finale. There needed to be some kind of big explosion and a scream of ‘NOOOO!!’ as Mr Bower was devoured by his own creations. So for now the entire cast simply hovered alongside the window and waited for something interesting to happen.

jjjjNothing did.

jjjj Time passed. Still nothing.

jjjj Oh well, they did say the plot should always progress from characters.

jjjj ‘Come on, Mr Bower…’ prompted Jeff. ‘You can’t just sit there.’

jjjj ‘I don’t need to go away and die with you! Fox will save me! They can’t let me die.’ There were rumblings at the door. Typical. Now something decides to happen…

jjjj ‘Well we’ll find out soon…’ muttered Rob.

jjjj ‘Oh, come on… Please…’

jjjj The chairman’s gaze shifted nervously between the hovering whirlybird and the buckling door, which had started making that alarming banging noise that usually implies something bad is on its way for supper. ‘Oh go on then…’ he decided, just as it splintered open and an unruly mob of hungry (yet intelligent!) zombies rushed in.

jjjj ‘You won’t get away!’ one cried, as Mr Bower attempted to do just that.

jjjj Rob had a pretty good view of the following events. To his immense joy, he had discovered a new external organ that could be used as a propeller, and felt the strange compulsion to mime the rotaries of the helicopter. He bobbed up and down the hold like one of those spinning dragonfly toys that go frrrrrrrrrrrww!! and usually end up breaking a light bulb.

jjjj On his first lift he saw a hand clutch frantically at the landing gear. On his second he saw two more. It was during the decent that he pondered the average number of hands on a human being - coming to the reasonable conclusion that three was two many. There was a blood curdling crunch. This he decided, made sense considering circumstances. However, it was only when he heard that final ‘NOOOOOOO’ which drifted away as they towered into the sky that Rob settled on the fate of Mr Bower.

jjjj Jeff decided to take a peak just in case; a decision, it should be noted, that may well have been fatal were in not for the lightning reflexes of Project Anna. Yup. He was no Alan Rickman but he was definitely gone.

jjjj The alcohol lubricated cogs of Jeff’s brain ground into motion as he struggled for a quick line.

jjjj ‘You’re off the air,’ was the result.

jjjj The helicopter’s rotors roared well above the typical volume of conversation. There wasn’t a sound on the Earth that could have competed with the booming propeller. And he was still met with a whack.

10

‘If you expect the unexpected, prepare to be
disappointed when the expected occurs.'

Not every light in Manchester was dimmed that night; on the contrary, a great many shone brighter than they had ever done. And one light was far, far brighter than the rest. A horde of zombies had gathered on the suburban road that runs alongside The Swan and is no stranger to music. They moaned and groaned and kicked their feet but were still not allowed entry.

jjjjYou see, that night and that night only The Swan had closed its doors to all but the most exclusive of guests. The entire cast had turned out in all their star-spangled glory: Jeff, Anna, Doomsday Dan – and even a hamster of dubious moral origin had been allowed past the ‘No Pets Allowed’ sign hanging above the entrance.

jjjjThere were a few others too. The veteran drinkers of the establishment had not given up without a fight, arguing that their brief mention in chapter five deserved an invite. The wavering one-timers had tried this tack as well, but being unacquainted with ‘the ropes’ they were left to perish in the cold.

jjjjSo far the Project 24 Wrap Party had been running unhitched. Johnnie the bartender’s efforts over the last few episodes had not gone unnoticed. This might have had something to do with the fact he had done precisely nothing at all since we last joined him. The gore-bespattered bar was as red as ever. Body-bits still dangled from the rafters like the grimy aftermath of hanging by shotgun. And black ash still dominated any orifice you could care to name.

jjjj It was a theme party, said Johnnie. And so far as he could tell, the theme had not changed.

jjjj Still, it wasn’t like anybody complained. Merry minors and cheery bit-players swigged liberally from glasses of ale. To the side, two barrel-like figures had ceased their vigil and tucked away at a table to discuss the terrible mistreatment of henchmen on television and how utterly fantastic it was to finally be free of the subjugation and torment they had been forced to suffer over the years. It is unknown what Jeff might have said to this, but we can be pretty certain of the response.

jjjj A small crowd had gathered around the dance-floor. Tales of one-upmanship ran rampant, truths being stretched like the proverbial elastic band, gathering energy until it finally pings off and twats someone in the eye.

jjjj And no tale stretched further than the one told by that already renowned spinner of yarn, Doomsday Dan. His was the story of a humble (yet heroic!) DJ who spent the end of his career nobly saving the protagonist from certain death at the hands of the traitorous undead; which, oddly, Fiona recalled slightly differently.

jjjj Yet through all this revelry, one sat at the bar on his lonesome. Johnnie worried away at a pristine glass, giving the figure a good (and black) eyeballing for the effort. Jeff continued to muse regardless, simply gazing into his drink with a look of distant wonderment.

jjjj It’s not everyday that someone learns they’re a superstar: in fact it’s usually the vast minority of them.

jjjj And unlike the rest of the revellers, who were happy just to know they were on television, Jeff had given a great deal of consideration to the consequences of this news. Suddenly he found himself liberated of free will – borne upon the whims of some slick, poncier New Yorker with a cigarette in his mouth and a typewriter tapping away beneath his fingers, forming the fate of an empire.

jjjj Which was all very well and good for now. As it has been said, Jeff did feel some semblance of amity between him and his director, despite the dry spell and the torture and all that. But if he was truly the protagonist in the proceedings then things were unlikely to turn out too badly for him. After all, who doesn’t love a happy ending? Americans perhaps…

jjjj And what was that Mr Bower had said about ‘lost love?’

jjjj Jeff didn’t like it. He didn’t like it one bit.

jjjj ‘Oh what am I to do?’ he moaned.

jjjj ‘Well it says here that you’re supposed to give a great deal of consideration to the consequences of this news,’ said a lurking Johnnie, flicking through his trusty Civilians’ Guide.

jjjj ‘Actually, I’m at the next bit now.’

jjjj ‘Oh right.’ The bartender flicked forward a page or two. Suddenly his face dropped in a low arc of surprise. ‘Hang about! It says here that you offer me the affections of your woman for being such a good sport!’

jjjj ‘Does it really?’

jjjj ‘No. That’s what I say… your supposed to say—’

jjjj ‘I thought not.’

jjjj ‘Hmm, I’ve got “didn’t think so.”’

jjjj ‘I was just thinking didn’t think so. I suppose it’s more of a suggestion then…’ supposed Jeff. Johnnie pulled a pipe. ‘Speaking of suggestions, if you would be so kind¬…’ He stared at the new pint before him.

jjjj ‘Ah,’ said he.

jjjj ‘That’ll be three pound eighty, or 10grams of tobacco stuffed in a balloon.’

jjjj ‘This isn’t a set-up for a joke about inflation, is it?’

jjjj ‘Do you like it?’

jjjj ‘Not particularly.’

jjjj ‘Twelve grams.’

jjjj Jeff delved into his pockets and made the international gesture for ‘no change’. Johnny frowned in only the way a double-crossed double-crossing bartender can. Maybe this pre-cognitive pouring wasn’t the way to go.

jjjj ‘Tell you the truth I’m still looking to pay back Bill…’ said Jeff.

jjjj ‘Oh well. I’m sure we can think of something.’ Johnnie winked in a way Jeff did not approve of, but decided to worry about later. In the mean time he merely accepted the far from free pint while Johnnie went back to the Guide.

jjjj It might not be all bad, he thought, this precognition thing. There might actually be a fortune to be made with it. And while Jeff was not usually a man after a fortune (quite the reverse, in fact), the prospect of another solid cup of tea with just the right amount of semi-skimmed did strike him nicely.

jjjj And who’s to say he wasn’t supposed look upon the sacred text? Maybe by learning his fate he gets caught in some kind of temporal loop in which the fabric of reality depended on him reading the book. There was no other thing for it. He had to look ahead.

jjjj ‘Johnnie, turn to the back of the book.’

jjjj ‘I will do no such thing,’ replied Johnnie, being the wanker that he was. ‘Hey! I’m not a wanker!’

jjjj Jeff gave the bartender one of those looks, and suddenly noticed the way there was a big bulk of pages on one side, and a very very small amount on the other.

jjjj ‘You’ve already skipped ahead!’ Jeff cried.

jjjj ‘I have not! Look!’ Johnnie thrust the book into Jeff’s face.

jjjj ‘I have not! Look!’ it read, rather helpfully.

jjjj ‘I’m guessing this must be the last episode or something.’

jjjj ‘Bit of a strange place to end, don’t you think,’ said Jeff, feeling a bit wobbly around the edges of all a sudden - a bit like the bloke from Back to the Future after he’d had a few.

jjjj ‘I’ll have a pint of Stella,’ interjected a voice that was neither Jeff nor Johnnie’s. In fact, it was that zombie from chapter two, back from the dead…. Again. ‘And mind the head,’ he quipped.

jjjj ‘Is that supposed to be funny?’

jjjj ‘Do you like it?’

jjjj ‘Not particularly.’

jjjj The zombie moaned.

jjjj ‘So I suppose you’ve latched onto the super-zombie consciousness,’ said Jeff in passing. ‘Do you know if this is the last episode?’

jjjj ‘It’ll be the last of all of us if we keep on with the human eating.’ It was a sentiment Jeff agreed with wholeheartedly, but really didn’t have time for. He liberally doled out another one of those looks. ‘As for the show, this is just the end of the season. Next season, yeah. That’s the last one.’

jjjj ‘Ah, I suppose that’s why I haven’t heroically kicked ass and got the girl just yet. Saving it up for the big finale.’

jjjj ‘Yeah, that must be it,’ replied the zombie, with that famous zombie sarcasm (which is very hard to distinguish when all they say is “brains”). Luckily Jeff was well prepared for this kind of thing, having read all about it in a certain Civillians’ Guide.

jjjj ‘In the immortal words of George Orwell: “Sod off.” ’

jjjj ‘Right… well,’ said Johnny, rubbing away at his head. ‘Is there any other reason you haven’t got the girl? Anything I should know about.’ He made more winking gestures; the kind that Jeff wasn’t going to stand for.

jjjj ‘Right! I’m not going to stand for this any longer!’ (I knew he’d say that, said Johnnie.) ‘I’m off to find Anna and get the girl once and for all!’ And with that he stormed towards the dance floor leaving a zombie and a crooked bartender to themselves.

jjjj ‘How does it look?’ asked the zombie, nodding after Jeff.

jjjj ‘It gets cut,’ replied the bartender.




Up on the roof of the pub next to the street that was no stranger to music, a lone figure shivered in the exposed night air. The moon was invisible for the wall of ash hanging interminably in the sky. And all the world was darkness: even that lone figure. Her sleek leather did not shine, nor did the hair that was much remarked – not even those sparkling eyes that could see nothing at all.

jjjj Then Jeff came and buggered it all up with a glowstick.

jjjj ‘Hello there,’ he said, planting that most auspicious of lover’s kisses upon her cheek. ‘So I can’t believe it’s finally over. The truth exposed. Mr Bower finally brought to justice. All in all I’d say it’s quite a good night for a shag.’

jjjj ‘You know it’s not over yet,’ Anna said sadly, which wasn’t entirely true, Jeff having come to the conclusion that the third and final part of the saga would consist of him becoming rich, drunk, and then engaged in a sexual triathlon verging-on-illegal (and in that precise order). As far as narratives go, it was going to be a cracker.

jjjj ‘It is pretty over… Remember? We heard a final “NOOOOOOOOO” and I made a pun. That’s usually a good indicator.’

jjjj ‘Well what about the rest of the super zombies?’

jjjj ‘There’s one downstairs. A bit sarcastic, but not as bad as the rest of them.’

jjjj ‘Then what about the television show?’

jjjj ‘Ahh, see I had a plan about that. Using the Guide, we would look into the future and become rich and drunk. It’s the perfect plan.’

jjjj Anna smiled that sweetest of smiles that could only mean she was about to say something heartbreaking.

jjjj ‘I have to go.’

jjjj ‘What? Where?’

jjjj ‘I have to deal with the super zombies. Nobody else can. I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I might not see you after that.’

jjjj Jeff looked into a face of utter conviction. Utter purpose. He didn’t need the guide to tell him that Anna’s course was set, that the night sky above was the last they would ever share. He set a mournful hand upon her cheek.

jjjj ‘Anna?’

jjjj ‘Yes?’

jjjj ‘Just once before you go.’

jjjj ‘Oh, go on then.’