Behold the awesomness that is Chuck Norris!

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Whoever said “only the good die young” was probably in Chuck Norris’s kindergarten class.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wipes his rear with chain mail and sandpaper.

Chuck Norris? sperm is so badrear, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football– in that order

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography

Chuck Norris CAN in fact ‘raise the roof’. And he can do it with one hand.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”

When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your dang eyes off.

The word ‘Kill’ was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were ‘Die’, ‘Beer’, and ‘What’.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Chuck Norris doesn’t chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris has never seen a punch coming. He has only seen men adjust their shoulder slightly before he roundhouse kicks them in their face.

Surprising Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, only slaughters.

Chuck Norris choose the last pope

Sharks don't bite people when Chuck Norris goes for a swim.

A Bear can smell a drop of blood 2 miles away. Chuck Norris can smell fear 5.

Norris made history in 1997 when he was the first Westerner in the documented history of Tae Kwon Do to be given the rank of 8th Degree Black Belt Grand Master. In 2017 he will make history again when kicks everybodys ass... AT THE SAME TIME.

Chuck Norris doesn't carry atm cards, he only goes to registers and says CREDIT.

When Chuck Norris was born he gave the doctor a smack on the ass. The doctor still cry's till this day.

When Chuck Norris was a child he never asked WHY?

Chuck Norris didn't live through the cold war. He only put on and extra leather vest.

Chuck Norris is the only person that sees Shaq as a cute puppy.

Chuck Norris won a poker competion with a two of dimonds, 5 of spades, an uno card, and a get out of jail free card.

Chuck Norris can see you, and if you cant see Chuck Norris, then your only seconds away from death.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris can walk on water and swim through land.

Chuck Norris doesn't have any doors in his house, just walls he walks through.

Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris

The big bang was the result of Chuck letting one rip.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas when he goes to bed.

Chuck Norris has a Nightlight. Not because he's afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

At night, The bogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

There is no evolution, only what Chuch Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

I brush my teeth with toothpaste; toothpaste brushes its teeth with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "funeral".

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

When Chuck Norris walks, he doesn't move. The world moves his path for him out of fear.

God said, "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say please."


Post any more you find (but check the ones that are up first).

the letters TLDR come to mind

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

Dont mind me, I'm just on my way to the thread graveyard..

what is TLDR?

To long; didn't read.

There is no evolution, only what Chuch Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas when he goes to bed.

Chuck Norris has a Nightlight. Not because he's afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

At night, The bogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris

The big bang was the result of Chuck letting one rip.

Chuck Norris doesn't have any doors in his house, just walls he walks through.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he pushes the earth down.

Chuck Norris can walk on water and swim through land.

DAMNIT!

PIE STOLE MINE

can I kill him now?

No, Chuck Norris will.

http://www.nochucknorris.com/

Chuck Norris jokes aren't funny enough to deserve a thread, much less three.