[ON] In The Endless Night

My try at an original story
Comments are wonderful
[ON] is "Original Novel" FYI

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Prologue

You know, I really hate Mondays.

“Get back here, freak. I’m gonna pound your face in!” yelled an unusually large man as he chased me down the street. It’s been an odd day, very odd indeed. I turned deliberately slow, trying to anger the simple minded man who’d been following me for about a mile now. It worked. His face flushed red, veins pulsing under his stretched skin. “You’re going to wish you’d never meddled, wizard. You should have left it alone.”

I gave him my best straight face, and then smiled cockily. That’s when he swung. His fist hit my face, bone cracking under the pressure. I spun, landing back down on the pavement. My vision began to blur, blood red mixed with black. The last thing I remember was a women leaning over me, her face hard with concern, fear, and surprise. That’s when I blacked out.

Yep, just a usual day in the life of Jonathan Featherwind, spell caster, demon slayer, monster vanquisher, and all round wizard. I provide help when asked and blow stuff up when threatened, but only if I have to.

Who knows, maybe today can still turn out for the best?

This should be interesting....Your prologue is a little short though.

Omega 505 wrote:spell caster, demon slayer, monster vanquisher, and all round wizard

How very Jim Butcher of you.

I'm going to give my criticism as much as people dislike it in this sub-forum.

It's overly descriptive in terms of single actions, and under-descriptive in terms of the actual story. You've not established anything going on apart from a strange man chasing the protagonist, yet at the same time you've managed to overly describe the minor and infrequent actions with a high level of detail that's pretty unnecessary.

And as I've said to the others who write here, you need an interesting structure for your sentences. Not just the same old "I walked slowly, trying to look at what was going on" or "The door slammed, making a loud noise". It gets incredibly monotonous after about 3 paragraphs, and it makes for boring writing.

Before somebody jumps in and says "This is a fan fiction section for teenagers" and that I "shouldn't expect a masterpiece", what I'm asking for doesn't require amazing literary and/or literacy ability. It's just basic sentence structure, and creativity.

Also you need to watch your tense at a few points. Switches around a little bit.

Ziggy, it's NOT EVEN DONE. He's giving a little view into it. Wait till he actually finishes a chapter.

Gold wrote:Ziggy, it's NOT EVEN DONE. He's giving a little view into it. Wait till he actually finishes a chapter.

^^^This.

Ziggy you need to settle the hell down with the critisism.

Ascendant Justice wrote:

Gold wrote:Ziggy, it's NOT EVEN DONE. He's giving a little view into it. Wait till he actually finishes a chapter.

^^^This.

Ziggy you need to settle the hell down with the critisism.

Settle down? How am I worked up or agitated at all? I'm just simply pointing out the flaws and giving him constructive criticism.

I think you lot need to calm down and realise that criticism is acceptable. It's not ad hominem or just plain abusive, so it's perfectly fine. How is his writing style going to develop if nobody bothers to point out any of the flaws, or suggests alternatives? Simply saying "Great piece!" to every thing somebody writes will not better their writing style at all.

And still, just because it's a prologue, doesn't mean it's exempt from criticism. And even still, a prologue is supposed to introduce the story. That really didn't introduce or establish much to the reader apart from those few lines at the end. The rest seems rather superfluous in establishing the plot.

And I am not saying this in a malevolent or rude way, I'm just simply giving constructive criticism.

You made yourself sound more like a jackass than anything. Watch how you word things in the future.

I'm on ziggy's side... we get no where if people just pat us on the back and say "nice job".

Even if he sounds mean, he is still helping.

Gauz wrote:I'm on ziggy's side... we get no where if people just pat us on the back and say "nice job".

Even if he sounds mean, he is still helping.

I'm not disagreeing, it's only critizing one page of work doesnt seem like it's neccesarily needed. Especially when he hasnt even finished said page.

Ascendant Justice wrote:You made yourself sound more like a jackass than anything. Watch how you word things in the future.

So I'm the one sounding like a jackass when you're the one telling me to "settle the hell down" for giving criticism? Nice logic there, buddy.
Otherwise, if you want to explain how I sound like such a jackass, please go ahead.

Gold wrote:
I'm not disagreeing, it's only critizing one page of work doesnt seem like it's neccesarily needed. Especially when he hasnt even finished said page.

That's true I guess, but I'm commenting less on the plot and more on the establishment of the plot in the prologue, and the general writing style. The writing style is probably going to be the same as the prologue's writing style, presumably, so I thought I may as well offer my advice on how to improve it.

lol, have you guys noticed how nearly every thead in TCF has turned into a an argument?
i think ziggy didnt need to calm down, but just mellow his critisism a bit, but i thought his critisism would be helpful for omega.
Personally i liked it ,a bit short, but when he was descibing that scene i could visualise it, so well done.

R!zZle BiZzl£ wrote:lol, have you guys noticed how nearly every thead in TCF has turned into a an argument?
i think ziggy didnt need to calm down, but just mellow his critisism a bit, but i thought his critisism would be helpful for omega.
Personally i liked it ,a bit short, but when he was descibing that scene i could visualise it, so well done.

Yeah, the reason every one ends up in an argument is that there are so many hormonal 15 year old pseudo-intelligent American teenagers who think that every point or opinion that they hold is valid and worth arguing. That, and the fact that all of the aforementioned teenagers seem to take offense to any and every comment, are the two root causes of all the conflict on this forum.

Arguments.

Hate them.

Especially the pointless ones.