The Secret of Planet 10

Mr. Grenade wrote:

laxspartan007 wrote:i likez it...

Thank you Lax. By the way, Ziggy, I have failed to see you actually write a story on this forum or anywhere else so I would appreciate a link to one so I can see your perfect writing. Oh and whenever I write long paragraphs, everybody calls them text blocks. I would also appreciate an example of my grammatical errors, and a cliche

I haven't got the commitment or motivation to attempt any creative writing, but I do like essay writing and I do read quite a lot. Just because I don't write these sorts of pieces, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed any input or opinion at least on your piece. Criticism doesn't necessarily need to be backed up with years of experience in the relevant field.

The interesting thing that occurs with these fan fictions is that they're written in 1-2 sentence segments. You should try writing it in larger paragraphs of at least 6-7 lines.. That way you have a bit more seperation between events and sequences, and it doesn't end up feeling like one big long continuous stream of action and activity.

Chapter 2

March 23, 2134, 1:39 AM. Location: Cleveland Police Station.

Ian felt sweat drip from his forehead as he regained consciousness. His mind fuzzy and confused of the past nights events, he blinked and shook his head. He took notice of his surroundings. He was in a dark room, with a blacked out window in front of him. He was sitting in a cold, fold-out chair in front of a table with a ashtray in the middle. Smoke arose from the single cigarette sitting inside.

"Freshly lit." Ian thought.

He reached out and picked it up. Slowly he took a long puff and blew it out in rings. He waited. He knew who was coming, he knew it was his final strike, and he'd be in prison for life at this point. He waited for the cop to come in and send him off to the judge. But when that door creaked open, it wasn't a cop. It was Stevenson.

"This here gentlemen," Stevenson announced as he entered the room, looking around as if he had a crowd around him, "is a fine specimen. One Ian Gray, dropped out of the military in April of 2131. He has been arrested five times since his discharge. Why don't we all give Mr. Gray a round of applause."

Stevenson stood at the doorway clapping with a sadistic smirk across his face. Ian spat on his shoe. He stopped clapping. He walked to the table in silence and sat down.

"Well Ian you've certainly impressed me. Ex-marine goes AWOL and goes on a rampage of incarcerations. But this time manslaughter? Phew, you've really out done yourself. How did you expect to get out of that one? I'll tell you what, that clerk fucked up your friend Robbie."

Ian's pulse flared and he jumped across the table, struggling for Stevenson's neck. The sergeant's eyes flashed with fear as Ian's hand grasped tightly around his neck and his chair toppled over backwards and the pair tumbled. Ian ended up on top. The sergeants hands grasped over Ian's wrists but his grip was too strong. The sergeant's face flushed as he struggled for air. He pulled together the last inch of his strength and thrust his head forward and knocked Ian off of him.

Ian blacked out. The last thing he felt or heard was men running into the room and dragging him off. Stevenson got up and brushed himself off as the unconscious Grey was drug off to a cell. He walked out of the room and met up with Teal in the lobby of the station.

"Was the comment about his friend really necessary?" Teal asked him.

"It got to him well enough that's for fuckin' sure."

"We sort of need him conscious to make a deal with him."

"I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realize that it would hit him that hard."

"Just let me talk to him Stevenson, I'll get him on board."

Stevenson nodded and saluted. Teal returned it and started towards the cell room.

"Fucking idiotic brute." He thought.



Ian woke up in a cold cell. He reached up and rubbed his aching forehead. He was bleeding. He shook off his wound and watched as a well dressed man entered the room and walked to the cell.

"What now are you gonna fucking shoot me?" Ian asked sarcastically.

"No Ian, but trust me, I have all the authority in the world to at this point. You most likely have a pretty large bounty on your head right now. Manslaughter and an attack on an army sergeant. That's not good son. But don't worry, I'm offering a diplomatic solution here."

"Fuck diplomatic. Send me to jail, I'm done with you army fuckers. I was a long time ago."

"Let me give you my offer first damn. I'm offering you a one mission job with the army. All we need you to do is to serve as an escort for scientists."

"Don't you already have enough army dogs for that?"

"Well this is a special mission, and we wanted you for this. You were great during your time, and we want you here. If you join, you'd be going to a whole new planet. Planet 10. Currently we know nothing about it. That's why we're sending the scientists."

Ian laughed, "Surely you can't be serious. You're recruiting me for some top secret mission, for some new planet, that you don't even know about? The drunk who's been out of the military for 3 years?"

Teal gave him a serious look. "Yes. And the government will personally clean your slate. You can start over. Or you can stay here and spend your life in jail, being someones bitch."

Ian thought for a minute, "When do I start?"

Teal smiled, "Right now."

End of chapter 2 (fuck yes that last line is cliched)