Why Cake is superior to pie

Way to ruin the moment, Rot

Jim Gaffigan - Cake

Sometimes we try to disguise the fact that we're eating cake. "It's breakfast. I can't have cake... I'll have a muffin!" You know the difference between cake and a muffin? Nuthin! A muffin is a bald cupcake, and we know it.

And then there's the mini muffins... How much denial are we in when we're eating mini muffins? "Oh I'll just have one or twelve. They're so small they don't really count. They're like muffin vitamins. When I eat them I feel like an astronaut. That's why I have them for breakfast."

You can't have cake for breakfast... unless it's a pancake. How'd that slide through? "Young man, you're not having cake for breakfast, you're having fried cake with syrup for breakfast. Load up on that and try not to nap." Pancakes... pancakes really make you lower your expectations. You're like, "well... looks like I'm not showering today. I'll be digesting those carb cakes for hours. Bad idea."

<This guy talks a lot about cake...>

Cake's a wonderful food. Cake can actually bring people together. "Hey, it's Bill's birthday."
"Ah, I hate that guy."
"There's cake in the conference room."
"Well, I should say hello. See how he's doing..."
I mean, admit it. When you hear the song "Happy Birthday", all your thinking is "Hey, I'm getting some free cake!" During the song you're just wondering what kind it is. "Hope it's chocolate for me..."

We're all bashful, though, when it comes to cake. "What's this called, cake? Yah, I've never had cake before. What is it... is it... Ohm nom nom!"

<If he does another cake joke, I'm gunna kill him.>

Alright, let's talk about something other than cake - PIE! It's like liquid cake, isn't it? Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen. "Go check on grandma."

Pie can't compete. You never hear about a hot chick jumping out of a pie. It's too messy. "I'm here!"
"Go take a shower."

Cake... there's so may types of cake. There's rum cake, which makes sense, because we've all been eating cake and been like, "You know what this needs? Booze. A shot of liquor. I don't have time to eat and drink. I've only got two hands, buddy, and one of them's holding a cigarette. Meet me half way, will ya?"

There's funnel cake, which is essentially a giant french fry covered in sugar. They're serving that at the IHOP now. That's a weird name for that place. I've never left there feeling like hopping. It should be called I... barely move. I... need a wheel chair.

<Hey, buddy, I like the IHOP! If you don't like it, you don't have to go there.>

I think the most disappointing cake has to be fruit cake. You'd think it would have been better. It doesn't add up. Fruit? Good. Cake? Great. Fruit cake? Nasty crap. Have you tried fruit cake? I don't think that's fruit in there. You're always like, "what is that, a skittle? Something to see here... what is this, a treasure map?"

What is the recipe of fruit cake? Anything but fruit? It's like the baker was just clearing off the counter. "I'll just put all this crap in here. Nobody eats this stuff; they just mail it to relatives."

Consider it my way of trying to let you all get away with blasphemy this once. ;)